sarahs cute blog (*/ω\*)

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TLDR and Trigger Warning.

This post includes mental health and other topics. You have been warned.

A bit about myself. I never really was happy with myself, as i am Trans (MtF). In addition i have a severe Scoliosis, which i have had an Operation scheduled 5 Months ago. The month before the Operation i had a hard time sleeping due to being afraid of operations and needles. For example, i cannot stand getting blood taken from me. I had really severe sleeping problems due to overthinking everything and just generally being scared. So the day of the Operation we drove to the Hospital 3 Hours away. I got into check in and went into the Anesthesia Talk. In there, they told me i would be fully awake when they put the Catheters in and i just could not handle it and had a breakdown. This caused the Operation to be called off and we drove back home. That day i was in bed and sat there and was just guilt tripping myself constantly and making myself worse. Another Problem was that Uni Semester 2 started that exact next day and now here comes another Problem. I was never really good with Math since grade 7 where i got stuck somewhere. My head just cannot think in a 3D Environment and i have a hard time estimating shape sizes and imagine complex things like Algebra. To add i also study Computer Science, where i shined with my general Skill of Software and OS knowledge, yet i am a complete failure at Mathematics. Since, even with learning, i knew i could not beat Mathematics in Semester 1 (which, not to deflect blame, but my Professor just sucked. First lesson we had with him and the first thing he said was, and i quote: “If you don't know what we do here before the lesson, just don't even show up here.” while also having two lessons of 45 Minutes each, he would finish in about 20 to 25 Minutes mostly and will let us out early consistently). Now i also had the thinking of “Should i quit?” inside my head and i was again guilt tripping me every single day in every single night. A week later i made the decision to quit Uni. I am fine, have a job for now and doing good, although for myself, doing the things i enjoy is just plain painful for me now. Another thing that added up however after that was being scared of the new Job. Beeing afraid to fail, being afraid to get kicked out because i got the feeling i did something very bad. It would't be the first time i was kicked out of a Job. Before i attended Uni i worked at a Company that forged a reason to kick me out while i was on Vacation and let me say that i was feeling very shit at that time. I don't really have a way to enjoy the things i used to enjoy. I loved to do Cosplaying for myself at home. Now every time i look into the mirror, i can be sure to think of my Scoliosis the night after or just plainly be guilt tripped,

Today is a day like this. Im lucky i set this blog up in my Docker. My therapist hasn't been responding to me for a year now (she is apparently still ill? i dont know.) and there is no one near me taking patients, especially Trans Patients. Now i'm sitting here typing on my Chromebook and unable to sleep. I just needed to get this out and if you are a certain friend, and you know who you are, please do not send me anything about this. Silently acknowledge it. I appreciate your support, but i just don't wanna Trauma Dump you nor do i want it to make it worse for myself. Just wanted to type this out for myself and i will now go back to trying to sleep. Cheers.

~ Sarah


This is a test post :3